It usually goes a little something like this:

I glance in the mirror, (for whatever reason) I like my hair so I pick up my iPhone and open Instagram Stories. Then the daunting question hits me, “What on earth do I say today?” as I face my reflection trying to think of something. Half-way through speaking, I notice something’s wrong with my hair. I put the camera down and fix it. I come back and start recording only to realize my makeup is smudged. I fix it. Come back. Hit record and save the video until I feel like posting it, which generally never happens. Repeat 10x.

You probably thought today’s article was about the Instagram algorithm, lighting or framing, but it’s much deeper than that. It’s about the above and the fear it raises in me.

Something about seeing myself without any quick touch-ups (you can’t really hide it on video unless you use a pretty noticeable filter) can feel… humbling. I will confess, I use – give or take – at least three photo editing apps to achieve the perfect filter, contrast, saturation, framing, etc. because “real” photographs have (at least it feels this way) become a thing of the past and let’s be real – it’s difficult to justify when you’re a “content creator,” right? If there’s a way to hide my hyperpigmentation, the bags under my eyes from tossing and turning the night before or get rid of those smile lines, I’m game. #truemillennial

I have friends who are professional Youtubers that say, “start by posting one video clip a day. You eventually get used to it and stop thinking about those insignificant things.” So I try, I speak, I stop and fail, again and again. It just feels so awkward! It’s not what I’m used to. And, no one cares?

When I first started blogging, I had to get over this same exact fear, but with photography. I hated being photographed! Don’t even get me started with dancing. The second a video camera turned on during rehearsals, I immediately dodged the room and for that reason, there’s little to no footage of me dancing. I look back now and wish things were different because I’ll never have that same kind of ability again…

And that changed things or me.

It took countless (when I say countless, I mean years) to get comfortable in front of the camera and accept myself, which ironically led me here. I learned to enjoy the process of photography (styling, scouting locations, drafting up mood boards, etc.) instead of getting wrapped up in a few bad photos during a photoshoot. Because hey, they inevitably happen and we all have our days!

Though speaking on camera comes natural to some, it still remains a struggle for me. I know there are deeper things I need to continue working on (click here to read my thoughts on perfectionism), but I’m determined to conquer this fear(s) of mine, much like I did with photography, because you never know where it can lead you once you do…

Who knows? Maybe this time next year I’ll have a Youtube channel.

Xo, Stephanie  

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Jacket: Paul & Joe Sister 

Pants: Paul & Joe Sister

Bralette: Sezane, similar options below

Sandals: (c/o) Tony Bianco, similar options below

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Shaye Babb Photography